Transformed hearts, transformed lives, transformed city

Joe and I have been in conversation with some friends about what it would mean to see the city of Zanesville transformed. We believe it starts with us having transformed lives, then radically loving others in the name of Jesus.

When I hear this song, I think about my city.

The high price of forgiveness

Forgiveness can be a costly activity. When you cancel a debt, it doesn’t simply disappear. Instead, you absorb a liability someone else deserves to pay. That’s what hurts. Similarly, forgiveness requires that you absorb certain effects of another person’s sin and release the person from liability to punishment. This is precisely what Jesus accomplished at Calvary.

(I wish I could credit the author, but I forget his name. The last name is Sandy and he wrote a book about relationships and forgiveness. If anyone knows, please tell me so I can give proper credit. The quote was just too good not to share.)

Fill in the blank: I can’t help but smile when ___.

…I wake up to the smell of a freshly-cut Christmas tree in my living room.

How would you finish that sentence?

Do you ever not want to eat the meal you’ve just prepared?

I really like cooking, but I have a problem. Sometimes, after I’ve prepared dinner, I sit down to eat, look at my plate and think, That looks disgusting. There’s no way I can eat that. So I don’t eat it.

Is it me, my tastebuds, the food or the time it took to prepare it? Any suggestions?

In all fairness…

Yesterday’s post may have left you with the impression that I’m the only one in our household doing any cleaning. However, just the opposite is true. Joe does a lot of cleaning – probably more than I do, in fact! He does the dishes almost every night after dinner, he’s usually the one to vaccuum and he does more laundry than me.

And I don’t even have to ask.

What are your (least) favorite household chores?

I really enjoy doing the dishes. I kind of like cleaning the bathroom. I don’t mind washing and folding laundry. I hate picking up clutter and trying to find a place for it. I rarely make the effort to vacuum.

What are your favorite and least favorite household chores?

Hope for those in recovery

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 1:6

We don’t have to fix this tonight; or, it’s okay to not be okay. For now.

When God first started to peel back the layers of my heart and show me some of the places where I needed his healing touch, I was incredibly discouraged. Struck with the deep level of my brokenness, I was very hard on myself. I struggled with self-condemning thoughts. I thought, What’s wrong with me? Why am I like this? Am I crazy? Will I ever be “normal”?

My next reaction was to want God to fix everything – yesterday. I didn’t feel like I could be happy until God fixed me. I’ve realized a couple of things:

1. I am not defined by my sin, hurt, or brokenness. I am Katie, a child of God who, while complete in her identity in Christ, still has a long way to go in the process of being set free.
2. Rome wasn’t built in a day. (Or, as the title of this post says, “We don’t have to fix this tonight; or, it’s okay to not be okay. For now.) It’s like working out. Just getting your butt to the gym and spending thirty minutes on the treadmill isn’t going to make you look like a supermodel overnight. Sure, you might feel some of the effects of that workout the next morning, but there won’t be anything to show for it – yet. This is a process.
3. I’m not the only one. Everyone is dealing with something (or else sweeping something under the rug). We’re all dealing with brokenness on some level, so it’s okay.
4. Since I’m not going to be “cured” overnight, it’s okay to enjoy life and walk in as much wholeness as possible right now. Maybe it’s as much about the journey as it is about the destination.
5. Most of the battle is in my mind. Not to say it’s not real. Maybe a better way to say it is that my mind is the primary battlefield. I’m learning that I can take discouraging, self-defeating thoughts captive and renew my mind with the truth of who I am in Christ.

Hi, my name is Katie…

…and I’m a follower of Jesus who struggles with legalism, perfectionism, anger and self-condemnation.

I shared on Wednesday about the realization that I need recovery. I’m at the very beginning of this process, first recognizing that, hey, I have some problems, then realizing that Jesus is the answer. I don’t say that to be trite, but because it really is the truth. I need Jesus. He’s my only hope.

I’ve pretty much always known I was a perfectionist. I like things to be neat and ordered. There’s nothing wrong with this, unless it leads you down a path of being distraught or angry when things (or people, like yourself) aren’t perfect. Perfectionism is really tied to legalism….

I’ve known for quite some time that I’m legalistic. I knew it was, y’know, kind of a problem, but it didn’t seem to interfere too much with my daily life, so I never really addressed it. This might be similar to the way an alcoholic might continue in denial about their problem because they’ve never gotten pulled over for a D.U.I.

Mostly, this legalism comes out in the way I view God, my relationship with him and who I am in Christ. It’s been a problem in the past few months as I’ve held myself to impossible standards. When I don’t meet those standards, I think I’ve lost favor with my heavenly Father. I’m realizing, by God’s grace, that this isn’t true.

Anger and self-condemnation aren’t such easy things to lay out there. First of all, something like perfectionism can be a funny, almost endearing quality if you mask it the right way. (When truly, perfectionism has become, for me, bondage – the opposite of freedom.) Secondly, I didn’t realize these things were a part of my life until very recently. Plus, they seem like uglier, more raw and…unhealthy things to admit about yourself.

So, who am I so angry with? Usually it’s…me. Guess why: Because I’m not perfect. Are you starting to see a vicious cycle take place here? I have lately.

I’m only taking the baby steps in the process of recovery right now. But something I’ve realized is: everyone’s got something. I truly believe that every person either could benefit from recovery of some sort, or has benefited from it.

What do you think? Do you have things - past hurts, mistakes, habits, or hang-ups that you need healing and recovery for?

A belated one-year anniversary

I can’t believe I’ve been blogging for over a year now! I began with that first agonizing post on November 5, 2008. So much has happened since then. This is my 259th post! (How do you even say that number? Two-hundred-fifty-ninth? Whatta mouthful!)

Last November, I posted a list of ten things I’m thankful for. Maybe I’ll start a little blogging tradition and do the same thing today. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

1. My husband and the whirlwind of a year we’ve shared together.
2. The amazing community God has placed us in and the fellowship we enjoy.
3. The way God has been working in recent months to transform my heart.
4. Having a supportive family, which has more than doubled now that I’m married.
5. The opportunity to connect with new people through my job, Shared Life Group and Celebrate Recovery.
6. Seeing the magnificent, transforming work of God first-hand in the lives of those around me.
7. Two weeks exploring South Asia and hearing from God with two amazing new friends.
8. A new job, which I love, surrounded by wonderful coworkers. The way God opened this door and prepared me for this job over two years ago is simply amazing.
9. The ability to keep in touch with people I love through cell phones, Gmail, Gchat and texting.
10. The gift of expressing myself with the written word – through this blog and journaling.

What are you thankful for?